Prominent DJing tech companies Pioneer and Technics are set to merge to form a new company, PyroTechnics, it has been revealed.
The merger was revealed at an exclusive press conference this afternoon during which the press officers of both companies set off illegal fireworks while The Prodigy’s Firestarter played over a video of a fire burning and projected as a backdrop.
“The company won’t have anything really to do with DJing equipment per se, we’ll just make fireworks and stage shows for the huge EDM DJs who need that sort of thing to trick people into thinking one of their sets is an event,” read the press release.
“The hope is that audiences will be too busy gawping at the crazy pyrotechnics to even notice how terribly bland the music actually is,” continued the statement. “Our first customer and partner is Steve Aoki, he jumped on his personal trampoline at the prospect of using pyrotechnics to mask how awful his ‘music’ is.”
“Yeah I can’t wait,” piped Steve. “People were starting to get sick of the whole cake thing so I had to freshen up my act without compromising the marketability of the electro-house sound I’m notorious for, thankfully thousands of dollars worth of colourful fireworks and loud unnecessary explosions is exactly suited to my style.”
“I’m just an entertainer at the end of the day, and what’s more entertaining than seeing some colourful sparks spew into the air while a middle-aged former punk holds his hands in the air for money?” he asked. “My music is designed for elaborate stage gimmicks, on account of how substandard and irredeemable it is as music.”
“I’m not a fan of Steve’s but I’ll definitely be attending his new show,” explained one dance music fan. Any opportunity to see him in a potentially dangerous situation is not one to be sniffed at, hopefully his hair catches fire and someone side stage throws a cake at him to put it out.”
“Only for the cake to catch fire and melt into his face so that he’s forever stuck with lumps of frosting and melted candles projecting out of his head,” he concluded. “That would be a show worth seeing.”
