It has emerged today that anyone who is hoping to remain sober for the next few days is set to have their plans for sobriety ruined by the oncoming occurrence of the weekend.
“There’s no point in trying to fight it and people are advised to just accept the fact that they’re pathetic borderline alcoholics who can’t stay in without drinking for one weekend,” advised habitual drinker and person Sam Marshall.
The lack of sobriety is being blamed chiefly on a phenomenon known as Fomo or “fear of missing out”, which renders ordinarily resilient people quivering wrecks at the prospect of the partying and potential for fun that they are missing out on.
“You’ll start to convince yourself that you’ll only go for one or two,” continued Sam, “before eventually accepting the fact that you’ve spent another weekend at the end of the bottle and plan to draw a line under it and spend the following weekend doing wholesome sober activities.”
“Which will also more than likely fail,” he added.
“Invariably the plan for staying sober will be ruined by someone’s birthday or an awesome gig and your chances for a sober weekend will be reduced to nil as soon as that happens,” continued Sam. “Often plans for sobriety laid on Mondays or Tuesdays as a result of the previous weekend’s overdoing it will be totally eroded by Thursday evening, and those wishing to remain sober will probably accept that they’re going out this weekend and start early with a bottle of wine.”
Reports indicate that you won’t be able to get any of the productive things done that you’re planning on like exercising or visiting your parents and giving your liver a rest is a pathetic dream that will crumple at the estimated time of Friday evening at about 6pm.
