A study conducted by the Institute of Advanced Studies has conclusively proven that listen to commercial dance music, or EDM as it’s been named by Americans who don’t know any better, actually makes people dumber.
The study, which attempted to understand the efficacy of playing music to babies in utero as a stimulant of higher intelligence, played a variety of different genres of music to unborn babies and then measured the intelligence of those babies 5 years later.
“For years there’s been the anecdotal belief that playing classical music, specifically Mozart, to your unborn child would improve that child’s intelligence,” explained Dr. Susan Schiller, an expert in child psychology and music based therapies. “With this study we wanted to test that hypothesis using forms of popular modern music, namely electronic music.”
“What the study found was that babies who were exposed to commercial dance music like Swedish House Mafia, Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike and David Guetta were consistently dumber than those who listened to other forms of dance music like techno, house and trip-hop.”
The research claimed that babies who’d been exposed to EDM in the womb were “slower to reach basic developmental stages of early childhood like walking, talking and being potty trained” and that they “had difficulty engaging in creative learning like doodling or using toys like Lego or jigsaws”.
“We also noticed that they favoured colourful alco-pops as opposed to breast milk, had difficulty finding their mother’s nipple and used their first words to request Levels by Avicii,” he continued. “They were also more prone to believe in fantasies like Santa, the Easter Bunny or the idea that whoever wins the DJ Mag Top 100 poll is the world’s best DJ.”
“Their counterparts who listened to Squarepusher and Amon Tobin performed at a vastly improved level with some even learning to play poly-rhythmic melodies using a basic child’s xylophone and also learned how to dance before they were able to walk.”
The research concludes by advising pregnant women to avoid any music by artists that feature in the DJ Mag Top 100 poll, commercial radio stations and anything that David Guetta has ever released as to do otherwise would seriously harm the intelligence of your baby.
“We’d recommend that expecting mother’s play dance music by artists such as Jeff Mills, Squarepusher, Daniel Avery and Four Tet to their unborn babies to give them the best chance of not being a brainless and moronic person who listens to commercial dance music.”
