Three American EDM fans have allegedly been abducted and viciously anal probed by “aliens” while attending last weekend’s Creamfields Festival in Cheshire, England.
The traveling companions, who were visiting England specifically for the festival, claim to have been abducted from the main stage on Saturday evening during American EDM superstar Steve Aoki’s set.
Benji Boomer, one of the unlucky trio, explained the incident, “Me and my bros had been hanging out at the main stage watching all the totally awesome EDM DJs. It was just a normal EDM festival.”
“It wasn’t until Steve Aoki came on that things started to get a bit weird,” continued Boomer. “The last thing I can clearly remember was me and my two friends dancing with this strange little munchkin type character who was dressed head to toe in leather.”
“When he says head to toe in leather what he actually means is he had a leather dog collar, a pair of small leather panties and knee high leather boots on,” interrupted Zac Spalding, another possible victim of the alien abduction. “He was a weird kind of guy he spoke like a leprechaun and he had the face of a boy but the wrinkly neck of an old man. If I was to guess this guys age I’d say he was somewhere between fifteen and seventy five.”
“The guy had been buying us drinks all day,” added Chad Morris, the third member of the party. “We were totally smashed, some of the beer tasted kinda weird like it had chemicals in it but I guess that’s just the way European beer tastes,” he assumed. “The last thing I remember was a really bright light. At first I thought it was part of Steve Aoki’s show but looking back now it must have been some sort of tractor beam because the next thing we knew we were waking up ten hours later behind a bunch of rubbish skips.”
“None of us actually remember anything about the abduction but it was totally obvious that we’d been probed because we all woke up with our asses in the air and our pants around our ankles,” explained Mr. Boomer. “They must have probed us hard because our ass holes were really torn up and we were all covered in blood and some sort of thick gooey ectoplasm stuff.”
“Yeah the goo was really horrible,” added Morris. “I just wanted to go home and scrub it off myself in the shower but no matter how hard I scrubbed it felt like it was still on me, I must have showered for at least two hours and I still feel filthy.”
“We’re also really worried about the little leprechaun guy, he hasn’t been seen since,” claimed a concerned Spalding, “we think he could have been taken by the aliens too because the police are definitely looking for him, there’s pictures of him all over the place.”
English police have confirmed they are investigating a man in relation to the alleged anal probing incident.
