Police forces in countries around the world have today issued a warning to all owners of Native Instrument’s Traktor DJing software to make sure that they, or any other Traktor DJs they know, “don’t get wet or eat after midnight” as the results cause them to multiply into horrible lizard-like creatures.
“We’re issuing a worldwide warning as a precursor to a ban on all Traktor products,” warned Interpol spokesperson Chief Inspector Sandy Ellis, “that anyone who has any contact with a Traktor DJ exercise extreme caution by making sure not to allow them to get wet and ensuring that they under no circumstances eat after midnight.”
Inspector Ellis says that once water comes into contact with a Traktor DJ’s skin they’ll instantly begin multiplying copies of themselves who will immediately start bustling towards the laptop in an attempt to DJ and that if either the original DJ or the copies should eat after midnight they will mutate into monstrous lizard-like form and start “wrecking the place, but not in a good way”.
“To avoid getting them wet simply keep them out of bathrooms, inside on rainy days and have them drink through a straw,” continued Inspector Ellis. “To avoid them eating after midnight simply feed them as many ecstasy tablets as you can to curb their appetite until the sun comes up.”
“If they’re not stopped then pretty soon the entire world will be full of Traktor DJs wanting nothing, but the eradication of all other types of DJing,” he added
Reports coming from America where the “Traktor-Gremlin” phenomenon, as it’s been dubbed, was first observed claimed that the outbreak began when the owner of a cute, big eared Traktor DJ named Gizmo, mistakenly got him wet causing him to multiply into irreverent and bad tempered versions of himself who then proceeded to “destroy a family Christmas” before overrunning an entire skyscraper some time later.
“The scaly lizard like appearance is characterised by green skin, claw like hands and misshapen teeth,” continued Inspector Ellis indicating the Traktor DJ pictured after he had undergone the transformation. “These changes are believed to have been caused by a reaction with the software itself as well as alterations in posture from hunching over a laptop for hours at a time in darkened rooms.”
“If you do get a Traktor DJ wet we are advising that you immediately kill the clones of that DJ that appear,” concluded Inspector Ellis, “by either ringing their necks, stabbing them repeatedly or beating them to death around the head with a shovel or similar blunt object like a Traktor Kontrol S4.”
