The recent batch of underaged DJ’s like Aiden Jude and DJ Kai have received a rapturous welcome into the music industry from the nation’s paedophiles, who claim the tween DJs are the “best thing in dance music since before Martin Garrix’s balls dropped”.
Paedophiles, who normally limit their music fandom to pop acts like Justin Bieber and the young Michael Jackson, have started listening to dance music in their droves following the emergence of the school aged DJs who they reckon have “nice soft hands, no pubes and know how to keep a secret”.
“I think it’s great,” confirmed one paedophile. “The sexualisation of children is something I’m very much in favour of, in fact you could say that thinking about children in a sexual context is my ultimate fantasy ahead of killing my dad or going to Comic Con.”
“If you ask me, underage children are the finger up the arse that dance music has been needing for a long time,” he added, lamenting the fact that thus far dance music hadn’t been penetrated by child aged novelty acts in the same way that the world of pop music had.
The unnamed paedophile, who claims he has torn down all his Justin Bieber posters since becoming infatuated with DJ Kai, claims he’ll “buy all of his albums and mixes so that [him] thinking about DJ Kai in what people would class as an inappropriate manner, is a fair trade”.
“I used to be into pop music and child pageantry but that’s lost its charm, it’s too brash and fake, the kids are just asking for it,” he continued. “I prefer the realness and coyness of the tween DJs, they’re not performing to the same extent as the others and for me, that’s sexy.”
“Plus, if I attend one of his shows I won’t look as criminally out of place as I do at One Direction gigs with my hand in my trousers,” he added.
“I used to be a massive Justin Bieber fan,” he concluded. “But then he went and grew up. Now he’s about as sexy to me as a sexually mature adult human woman. Disgusting.”
