Queen Elizabeth To Headline Ministry Of Sound In Honour Of Their 24th Birthday
Fresh from her public rap battle with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, Queen Elizabeth II: Queen Harder, is set to play what has been described as an “ear meltingly banging drum and bass set” at the 24th birthday party for seminal clubnight Ministry of Sound.
The Queen, who describes herself as a basshead first, monarch second, will play the set as part of her month long celebrations for achieving the longest reign in British royal history.
“I love all kinds of music,” explained the Queen while kicking a castrate Corbyn in the testicles while the pacifistic Labour honcho pissed his pants in self defense. “I just merked this muppet with one’s dope ass rhyming skills and I’m going to be dropping similarly fresh bombs into the ears of the Syrian people, sorry, I mean audience at Ministry this Saturday.”
A Ministry spokesbloke has claimed that securing the services of the monarch is something of a coup and will finally trump that time that Prince Harry fingered Cresside Bonas in the jacks.
“We’re delighted to be able to welcome Her Majesty to the club for what’s sure to be a wicked night,” claimed the spokesman. “We were hoping to have her go back to back with Camila Parker Bowles but unfortunately they’re not on speaking terms after having an argument about whether the Prodigy are deserving of knighthoods.”
“The Queen reckons had they have had the debate in 1998 then yes, but probably not now thanks to them rereleasing exactly the same sounding music over and over again,” he continued. “So we’ll be just having the Queen on the night and we’re hoping for a good one, based on her rider requests of half an ounce of ket, ten pills and clean underwear, she is too.”
Before ending the interview to attend a charity bare knuckle boxing event the Queen took some time to talk us through her planned set for the bash.
“I’ll probably ease the peeps into the set with some samples of my Christmas speeches overlayed on top of some queasy jungle before picking things up a notch with a bit of d&b,” continued the Queen who says that unfortunately Prince Philip won’t be in attendance as he doesn’t like “blackie music”.
“It’ll just be me, a bag of mandy, a box of records and a fuck off crown,” she quipped before smashing a royal guard in the balls and laughing. “They’re not allowed cry out in pain or laugh, sometimes I like to amuse myself by knocking their hats off with my scepter or telling them I had Diana killed just to see if they react.”