A raver has today expressed his delight after successfully surviving Suicide Tuesday for the two hundred and seventy second consecutive week.
Martin Ashton, a twenty five year old butcher who took up raving during the summer of 2009, now sees himself as a “Suicide Tuesday veteran” and believes that surviving the infamous weekday will become easier as he gains maturity and experience in the field of waking up alive on Wednesday mornings.
“That’s another Tuesday done and good old Martin is still alive and kicking,” he joyously proclaimed during an early morning interview with Wunderground. “It’s now officially Martin two hundred and seventy two – Suicide Tuesday nil. Although, I suppose keeping scores isn’t really an accurate reflection on things because it’s constantly next goal winner for Suicide Tuesday, it’ll only need to score once and it’s game over for the Martinator.”
“I’m really pleased with myself this week because I hardly had a wink of sleep all weekend,” claimed the raver. “This Suicide Tuesday would have easily been too much for the 2011 me but the 2014 me is a different animal all together. I’m older, more experienced and a damn sight better at partying than I was back then.”
“With all of this experience comes emotional maturity,” explained a confident Mr. Ashton. “Come downs used to be so tough for me but now I’m fine, I hardly ever even cry on Sundays anymore, I mean sure, there’s the obligatory post wank sob but over the years I’ve managed to transform myself from the equivalent of one of those wailing Middle Eastern mothers you see on the news type of crier, to a kind of tears of pride mother watching her son graduate from primary school type of crier. That’s real progress.”
“Suicide Tuesdays are definitely getting easier, even for someone who spends the majority of their day with a knife in their hands,” boasted Ashton. “Now, I’m pretty sure that over the course of the next few years I’ll easily be able to downgrade to Possible Self Harm Tuesday and who knows maybe even Slightly Depressing Thoughts Tuesday someday.”
