It has been reported that a man who has recently become single is looking forward to a “Pot Noodle and a wank” this Valentine’s Day.
Thrity two year old Scott Day from Kent, England, is believed to have been dumped by his long-term partner, Laura, because he turned up seven minutes late for their cinema date.
Twenty Seven year old Laura, who is commonly known amongst Scott’s group of friends as a “nagging old cunt” and “fuckin’ hard work”, had recently told her friends she was “looking for a way out” having spent six years with Scott, describing him as “the world’s worst man-child” and an “irresponsible fucktard”.
“She went fuckin’ mental at me,” Scott told us. “We were about to go and see that new film Dirty Grandpa just so she could drool over Zac Effron, something which I never kicked off about. I had a couple of minutes before I was due to meet her so I went and bought some pick’n’mix. I was overwhelmed by the amount of sweets I had to choose from and ended up spending eighteen quid on a big bag.”
“I was only a few minutes late, but by the time I got to her I had received thirty text messages and had seventeen missed calls. She was not a happy bunny; all red in the face – clearly seething. She smacked the sweets out of my hand and told me to fuck off and die.”
Seventeen year old Rupert Lowe witnessed the whole event, “That bitch was crazy. She was itching to kick off. The poor bloke didn’t stand a chance once she got going. I honestly thought he was going to cry when she knocked all of his Bonbon’s and jelly beans across the floor in front of everyone. I helped him pick up his sweets and he toddled off into the cinema on his own.”
“I went to watch the film on my own and had a really good time” said Scott. It got me thinking that if I can have that much fun alone in a cinema, where else could I have fun on my own? So I ended up going to a bar. After a few vodka’s, I got a gram of Charlie dropped off. Before I knew it, it was three AM and I had had the best night in ages.”
