Record Number Of Girls “Fingerbanged” In Nightclub
Popular student night organisers, Absinthe UK, are celebrating today after their student night, Fingerbang, broke the world record for the number of impressionable young girls fingered in one night.
Amid high fives, fist bumps and backslaps, Absinthe UK representative, Fred Westwood, claimed “we’re all buzzing here today. We knew we were in with a good chance of setting the record but to reach the magic number of 177 is a remarkable achievement and we’re just so proud to have been part of it.”
“You’ve got to give a hand, and a finger, to the girls. Without them, none of this is possible,” continued Fred. “They’re really good sports and I’m sure their whole campus will think they’re absolute legends today for being fingered for the enjoyment of a baying crowd of drunken men.”
Explaining how the participants were able to make such a commitment in breaking the record, Fred revealed that every female who participated in the mass fingering was awarded with “all the Bacardi Breezer they could drink” provided that it was served “off the torso of a leering man.”
“That was only under the condition that they then returned the favour and let the men lap spirits from their bodies,” he pointed out. “They don’t want to get reputations for being a bunch of prick-teasing lezzers do they?”
“But fair play, all the girls were well gamey and did brilliantly. I’m just glad that all of the fingerings were consensual,” continued Fred. “Last year we narrowly lost out on breaking the record after some of the fingerings were deemed non-consensual and therefore not counted.”
“We tried to placate the girls by offering them hair products, make up and Sex and the City box sets in the hopes that they would reverse their testimony, but they chose to be spoilsports. I guess they just didn’t have enough school spirit.”
One of the girls who took part in the event, Miss. Ogyny said, “It was a team effort and I’m really proud to have won all that Bacardi Breezer. I was actually fingered four times but unfortunately it doesn’t count in the official rankings if it’s with your boyfriend.”
“Some girls are saying that the whole thing is demeaning and offensive,” she continued, “but they’re just skanks who are jealous cause they’re not getting shouted compliments from grabby men.”
“Some of the compliments I received over the course of the night were the sweetest, most darling things a man could say to you,” she beamed. “Like one guy grabbed my boob and told me he wanted to fuck my eyehole in this really cute threatening voice, and another guy I awarded a lot of points for creativity because he said that he thought that my face looks like it could catch a lot of cum.”
“Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to receive compliments like that?” she added. “I felt like soft porn star Miley Cyrus.”
The Entertainment Officer for the National University Of England, where the event was held, congratulated the students on a “sterling effort” before saying, “the school takes no small amount of pride in the needless objectification of women, so naturally we’re absolutely delighted with tonight’s result and hope that next year even more girls will represent the school in this fantastic contest.”
He also said that the event itself is a terrific advertisement for the school and for the girls as it shows potential employers “that the female student body aren’t sour faced shrews who can’t have a laugh, but are friendly and willing girls who’ll adapt to any role or position that they’re put in.”
“I commend Absinthe UK on a well executed event,” he concluded. “I think the success was down to the willingness of this university’s female students to join in the harmless bit of fun. And of course, the mandatory medical stirrups helped too.”
For their next world record breaking attempt, Absinthe UK plan to stage an all-female KY Jelly Royal Rumble type event which has already been described as “culturally and morally above reproach.”