A report of the nation’s parents, owners of children and over 50s has come to the conclusion that “all dance music sounds exactly the same” with most of those surveyed insisting dance music was “just noise”.
Unimpressed father of four, David Curtis, one of those surveyed made the claim that “the crap his kids listen to is just boom boom boom” after entering his son’s bedroom and asking him to turn down “that racket.”
“I don’t know how anyone can stand it, never mind dance to it,” queried David. “It’s just weird noise. ‘Bang-Bang music’ I call it. If I wanted to listen to annoying repetition I would have stayed married to my wife.”
“All day the boys are blaring it in their rooms and it’s just ‘unce, unce, unce,'” he continued. “I’ve said to the boys that they’ll damage their ears listening to it but they pay me no heed, just snigger and turn it back up when I leave the room. It’s useless talking to them.”
“Maybe I’m just too old and don’t get it,” David wondered aloud, “but I’ve spoken to other dad’s whose kids are into this stuff and they all agree that it sounds the same. Now they can’t all be wrong can they? Those guys are Garth Brooks fans one and all, so they know avante-garde music that speaks to the soul when they hear it.”
Fellow parent Mary claims that she first made the erroneous observation that all dance music is essentially the same when her oldest son, Sam, began listening to The Chemical Brothers in the late 90s.
“Not only does it all sound like a train derailing but the blokes who make it have all got silly names too,” claimed an exasperated Mary (pictured having her monthly wank interrupted by her son playing loud dance music). “It’s ‘Chemical’ this, and ‘Boards of’ that. I don’t know how they even make the music, any time they’re on the TV it’s just some shifty looking bloke behind a desk with some sort of computer equipment on top of it. Where’s the guitar eh? Where’s the bass? Disgusting.”
Mary went on to suggest that thinking dance music sounded similar had nothing to do with being out of touch and everything to do with kids taking drugs. “They go to their rave parties and inject ecstasy into their eyeballs for days at a a time,” explained Mary.
“I don’t approve of any of that stuff and certainly never did anything of the sort when I was young. We were happy with a couple of pints of whiskey, a spike or two of the brown and some Neil Young. Real music.”
