World famous techno purveyor Richie Hawtin was forced to cancel a DJ set at his popular ENTER clubnight at Space Ibiza this weekend after accidentally wearing a t-shirt that wasn’t black.
Richie, who has been wearing only black t-shirts since 2005, reportedly arrived for his set wearing a “rather cheerful, bright yellow t-shirt” having gotten tiredly dressed in the dark following a heavy night of Su Doku with friend and world renowned button pusher Loco Dice.
Sources claim that when Richie was about to begin his scheduled 1.00am performance he removed a jet black jumper only to reveal the “devastatingly not-black” t-shirt beneath.
“It was at that point that we felt that we needed to cancel the set,” claimed an ENTER spokesperson. “It was absolutely unavoidable and we’re sorry to those people who were excited to see Richie but unfortunately the t-shirt just wasn’t black.”
“Richie in non-black clothing is just not impressive enough nor does it adhere to our dour industrial aesthetic,” continue the source. “Richie simply can’t perform without his signature costume of a jet black t-shirt with a plunging neckline and sleeves optional.”
The source went on to claim that Richie not wearing a pitch black t-shirt when DJing is like “Superman going around catching people from falling buildings wearing his Clark Kent outfit or Spiderman whipping from building to building without the Spiderman outfit, you’d just think it was some pimply, teenaged freak and justifiably have him killed. Just weird.”
“Imagine if you met David Cameron or George Bush first thing in the morning before they’ve even had time to put their human-suits on,” he continued. “You’d freak the fuck out if those scaly green bastards tried to shake your hand with their weird claws.”
“That’s why costumes are important, be they black t-shirts, superhero outfits or elaborately made human shaped bodysuits designed to disguise that you’re a space lizard,” he added.
Richie himself defended the decision to cancel the gig claiming that wearing a black t-shirt “is as important for my mixing as beatmatching, song selection and immaculately coiffed spiky blonde hair”.
Sources admit to there having been something of a clamour to ensure the Richie set went ahead but other colour suggestions were deemed “not minimal enough” and so up and comer Matador stepped in to take over Richie’s slot using one of his “thousands of identical black t-shirts” which were reportedly “still too bright for Richie”.
“They were actually a very, very, very, very, very, VERY, very, dark blue,” claimed an exasperated Richie before insisting that his shirts need to be “priest black”.
“Don’t worry, it’ll never happen again,” concluded Richie in his slightly strange Canadian-German hybrid accent. “In order to ensure that it won’t, I’ll be having a full, rich black t-shirt shaped tattoo covering my entire torso so it’ll look like I’m always wearing a black t-shirt – even when I’m not.”

Should here me play .. Need to open some doors check out some of my mixes on mix cloud … Tommy stylez
*hear
*close some doors
how much 4 beatz. tryin to sound like aphex twin and one direction.
The more they shamelessly promote themselves… the more blatant their spelling mistakes will be. #heyinternet
ketamine psychosis