An underwater air bubble containing a rogue deep house bass line is wreaking havoc all along the Balearic coast and has so far claimed the lives of nine dolphins.
The bodies of the nine dolphins have washed up on beaches in the surrounding areas of Ibiza and Barcelona displaying puncture wounds to their ears indicative of exposure to ridiculously deep bass sounds which destroyed their ability to echolocate and contributed directly to their deaths, according to marine experts.
“It is believed that the dolphins were killed by an especially deep bass line which may have entered the water from an Ibiza beach party or an offshore boat,” claimed marine biologist Dr. Henry Stemper who insists that while dolphins are sociable and musical creatures they prefer “harder stuff like techno or gabber” and that unwanted bass lines can damage the dolphins’ hearing if they don’t want to listen to it.
“The beat, being deep house, naturally went straight to the ocean floor where it has been surprising unsuspecting marine life with UK garage tinged blandness,” he continued. “Marine life, not being from the UK or hipsters, obviously don’t care very much for UK garage but unfortunately the bass line is so deep and so loud that they’re powerless against it.”
Dr. Stemper claims that dolphins liked the deep house upsurge at first, often clicking along to the beat of whatever Hot Creations tracks made it into the ocean, but now find it cloying and disingenuous due to its massive overplaying.
“We suspect that the bass line has permeated the entire Balearic coast and more dolphins are set to lose their lives because of it, the only solution to save the dolphins is to either stop playing deep house or to start playing more techno,” claimed Dr. Stemper. “I suggest the latter.”
Greenpeace have been circling the waters, piping down the sounds of Jerome Hill in a bid to protect the dolphins’ delicate ears from the deep house bass line while dolphin lover Dave Clarke has commissioned special dolphin ear muffs which both protects the dolphins from the bass and pipes in a constant stream of industrial techno.
“This isn’t the first time we’ve had dolphins die due to noise pollution,” concluded Dr. Stemper. “In 2005 we had a pod of dolphins killed after they came close to shore to hear Ricardo Villalobos play a minimal set on Bora Bora beach. Unfortunately though a shark came and killed three of them while they were splashing about in the water, having a bop to the tunes.”
