Honey voiced darling of mums’ who do the school run Ronan Keating, a man voted “Lonely House Wives Choice” fifteen years running by Take A Break magazine readers and also described as “a protestant sympathiser” by The Vatican, has recently admitted life is actually an “utter bag of shit” and not the rollercoaster he so magnanimously sung about in 1999.
Mr Keating made the shock statement during a six page bumper feature for Good Housekeeping about the installation of a new George Forman Grill in his stately home in County Cork, Ireland.
“It’s all lies. I just can’t carry the burden of it anymore. When I wrote Life Is A Rollercoaster I was totally bollocksed and semi-conscious in the queue for a Renegade Hardware night at Fabric,” explained Keating as he stared into the middle distance watching the fat drain straight off his pork chop and into the easy to clean, dishwasher friendly drip tray from his George Forman Grill.
“I thought; I’ve been stood here queuing for about a fucking fortnight, I’m covered in my own vomit and there’s uncontrollable kids running everywhere. This is basically like being in the queue for a rollercoaster at Chessington World Of Adventure. The rest, as they say, is history.”
“Unfortunately, people didn’t really get the message at the time. But it’s so obvious in hindsight. Fabric is shut, Stephen passed away and that vomit never did wash out of my Avirex jacket. It’s all just utter shit now.”
Since the shock announcement, Keating has insisted on recalling all quarter of a million copies of his greatest hits compilation 10 Years’Of Hits, insisting all packaging be rebranded Ten Years’ Of sHits.
A collaborative EP with pre-eminent rainy day music maker and comedown soundtrack poster boy Burial is also rumoured to be in the works.
