Scientists at the large hadron collider are reportedly on the verge of creating the world’s blackest t-shirt by successfully stitching a number of black holes together.
Reports indicate that the t-shirt is “so black” that a number of scientists have “lost their minds” after looking directly at it for more than four seconds.
“Here at CERN, we are dedicated to accelerating science and making a real difference to the world,” claimed senior research scientist Ralf “Badger” Nicholson. “We believe that our latest discovery, a supermassive black t-shirt, is easily one of the most significant breakthroughs of the twenty-first century.”
“It’s the blackest thing we’ve seen on Earth since Margaret Thatcher died and her soul descended back down to hell,” continued Nicholson. “In fact, it’s probably the blackest thing that’s ever existed, and we’re including Felix da Housecat’s credit rating in that.”
According to nerd DJ James Zabiela, CERN’s t-shirt could completely revolutionise fashion in the techno industry.
“I’ve actually seen pictures of the t-shirt and I honestly believe it will change the world,” claimed an excited Zabiela recently. “Not in an end famine and create world peace kind of way but definitely in a looking fucking awesome behind a set of decks kind of way and we all know that’s what’s really important.”
“I would be interested in testing out the t-shirt for them if they’re looking for someone for the job,” continued the DJ. “There’s no point in a regular bloke wearing it, that would be such a waste, and if they’re going to get a DJ to do it surely it should be one who has seen all of the Star Wars movies at least six hundred times each and started a hate group about Jar Jar Binks, like me.”
Reports from the fashion industry suggest that Primark has already begun negotiations to buy the rights to the t-shirt from CERN in an attempt to mass produce the garment in time for the start of next summer’s Ibiza season.