News emerging from Scotland this afternoon suggests that the nation’s alcoholics are now using liquid ketamine as a mixer for their drinks.
The latest craze, known as “Jockeying”, is reportedly being encouraged by local authorities after figures showing a significant drop in alcohol related crime were released earlier this week.
“It’s quite a worrying trend,” Claimed NHS spokesperson Ann Bullance. “Crime figures are definitely down but that’s due to the fact that we’ve got alcoholics passing out unconscious all over the country. While it is giving the rest of the population a bit of a break, it can’t be good for the the alcoholics’ long term health, which is in bad enough shape as it is.”
Wunderground spoke to Dennis Connolly, a fifty three year old alcoholic and the inventor of jockeying, “It’s fucking class mate,” he said enthusiastically. “I’m a vodka drinker and the more of it you drink the higher your tolerance for it is, I was at the stage where I was only drinking to feel normal, I wasn’t getting any buzz at all.”
“I knew I had to do something so I started to mix it with buckfast instead of coke, that was good for a while but eventually I needed something stronger,” explained Connolly. “That’s when I decided to try mix it with the liquid ketamine. Now that is what you call a drink. I haven’t had a reaction to a sup like that since the first time I drank bleach. It blows the head clean off your shoulders.”
“It’s expensive, but one bottle of Jockey, mixed half and half, can last you anything up to a week, one sip and it’s cloud cuckoo land for eight hours. I’m actually drinking a lot less since I’ve started it so it’s all good.”
