French house star Sébastien Léger has been admitted to hospital after complaining that he has had a Steve Aoki track stuck in his head for the last week which he has described as “living a personal hell” that has caused him to be out of work and contemplate suicide “just to make the pain go away”.
“It started when the song came out of the stereo,” explained Mr. Léger, who claims he heard the track in a rather tacky and tasteless restaurant that he went into to use the toilet. “Straight away I didn’t like it but it was everywhere all the time and like exposure to radiation its catchy poison seeped into my very being.”
“It’s been rattling around my head like some kind of aural parasite that has burrowed into my mind which will eventually burst out and kill me in a hazy flurry of convulsing blood.”
“I immediately contemplated suicide when I realised that the song was stuck in my head. I didn’t want to die by my own hand, but I saw little choice,” continued a tearful Mr. Léger. “I felt mercy killing was my only hope. I actually applied to Dignitas who said that while my condition is more emotionally harrowing and ‘more evil’ than a terminal illness, they can’t legally kill me.”
“They offered to do it under the table, illegally, such was their horror at my quality of life, but I don’t want that mark on their conscience,” added Mr. Léger who decided that the best course of action was to lobotomize part of his brain to remove the offending track.
Mr. Léger said he was at a loss to name the track that’s caused him heartache but explained that it was “the one with a big harsh sounding arpeggiated build up and then thudding but basic bass drop followed by a juvenile simplistic melody…basically any of his tracks”.
“No-one should ever have to suffer like this, it’s like a prison sentence except without the luxury of being violated in the shower to take your mind off it,” continued a tearful Sébastien who will undergo the surgery this afternoon which will see him have a portion of his brain removed, a procedure which may see him suffer brain damage or even death, a risk that Sébastien feels “is worth it”.
“The melody, the beat, the whole thing is just disgusting when you hear it one time, now imagine hearing it every waking moment for a few hours,” warned Sébastien before being wheeled into the operating room. “If I die in that chair it’ll have been worth it, a life of living with Steve Aoki’s ‘music’ in your head is not a life.”
