Thanks to selfie sticks being the number one Christmas gift for vain, self absorbed cretins it is now 10 times easier for people to tell who is a dickhead.
“Before selfie sticks you’d often have to wait until a person spoke to tell if they were a dickhead,” explained dickhead expert Stephen Smith, who has been observing dickheads in their natural habitats like festivals, mainstream nightclubs and craft beer festivals for years. “But now all it takes is a quick glance, if the person you’re looking at is using a selfie stick then that’s just simple shorthand for dickhead.”
“You don’t even need to spot the person in real life to tell if they’re a dickhead,” he added, “their presence in a photo on social media taken using a selfie stick is also enough to confirm their dickhead status.”
For years, according to Stephen, people were forced to rely on identifiers like tribal tattoos, luminous snapback caps and a job as a DJ to tell if people were self involved dickheads but now “thanks to selfie sticks” it’s a lot easier.
“Unfortunately a lot of those things aren’t really on display in winter or outside of a commercialised festival environment,” he explained, “but thankfully the taking of selfies is now so ubiquitous among dickheads that they see no issue with using them out in public at any time of day or night.”
Members of the public have been warned that anyone they see using a selfie stick is “100% likely to be a dickhead” who despite their age and seeming normality, will photographically document every second of their mundane lives while offering a running commentary on “where the best places to buy smoothies are” and telling you how expensive their haircut was.
“I went on a date with a guy who seemed normal enough,” offered member of the public Joan Soap, “but at one point on the date we were walking past a street performer playing kettle drums, and rather than take a short vid or picture or walk past like a normal person, he unveiled a telescopic selfie stick and tried to urge me to get into the photo with him.”
“I knew then that I’d made a huge mistake and that he was, in fact, a dickhead,” she concluded. “I ran as fast as I could but when I glanced back expecting pursuit he was just stood there, holding the stick out and grinning moronically while the street performer shed a solitary tear that his act had been reduced to nothing more than a backdrop for cretins.”
