A number of people have sadly lost their lives today after they drowned on tap water they believed to be laced with the popular narcotic, cocaine, after the presence of trace amounts of the drug in tap water was widely published in the international media.
The 7 people, “dance music loving pill popping idiots” according to friends, read a headline online that stated there was trace amounts of cocaine in the U.K.’s water supply and immediately set about drinking “as much tap water as they could” in a bid to get a high off the water.
“I tried to explain to the lads that there was only trace amounts in the water and that trying to get high from drinking it was a waste of time,” explained witness and friend of the deceased, Gerard Hawthorn, “but they just told me to shut up, insisting that it was ‘free drugs’ before lashing pint after pint of water into them while listening to Vitalic at full blast and strutting around the living room with their tops off.”
The medical reports suggest that the young men may have inadvertently been drowned due to elevated amounts of water in their stomachs which flowed over the oesophageal valve causing water to fill up in the lungs resulting in drowning.
“Some of them said they could feel a buzz from drinking it but that was probably just head rushes from the amount of water they were guzzling down their throats at speed,” continued Gerard, “or they were probably victims of peer pressure and wanted to fit in when everyone else said they were ‘definitely feeling something.'”
Local drug dealer Andy Brown said he was saddened and annoyed by the needless loss of life claiming that “the lads could have come to me, I’d have thrown in an extra bag if they’d have bought a few. This all could have been avoided if people just used legitimate sources for their drugs instead of trying to suck them out of a puddle cause some news channel told them to”.
Police have issued a statement to the country’s young drug users insisting that “while there is cocaine in tap water there is not enough to get any kind of buzz going from it and you’re better off just buying actual cocaine rather than being cheap cunts”.
