Shock As English Speaking Man Gains Entry To Nightclub In Berlin

Last night 25-year old Mike Newport got into an underground club in Berlin, despite not having a beard, being moderately well dressed and speaking only some German.

The young partygoer from England who, like the majority of minimal techno fans is “between jobs” (regardless of never having had one after uni in the first place), was beside himself with excitement at the prospect of making it inside Berghain.

“It was shocking,” described eye witnesses. “Normally, English people only get to see the outside of the club, at most. But this time the terrifying doormen actually let him through the main entrance. We knew something wasn’t right when they didn’t scream at him in German and slam the big metal door in his stupid face.”

According to the German minister of Tourist Party Affairs, Fritz Essen, this is something that has happened more than once before, and is a matter the government takes very seriously causing questions and eyebrows to be raised about whether current legislation is sufficient to curb the serious influx of cash that clubbing tourism provides the city.

The increasing amount of club-related tourism in Berlin has necessitated the creation of a committee made up of local politicians, club owners and anyone who’d like to ruin young tech-house fans’ possibilities of having fun on the weekends.

The sole purpose of the committee is to ensure that Berlin’s clubs are kept as underground as possible, by making sure no one ever gets in, or in some cases, even hears of them.

A new bill has been put forward, which local politician and douche Gertrud Schneider explains like this: “No-one ever got into the famous techno clubs like Berghain to begin with, but with the new legislation we hope to reduce zero by at least a quarter.”

Mike is now reportedly in a shock-induced coma, which hit him the moment he realised he’d made it through twenty hours of clubbing without being kicked out for not being German or underground enough.

Due to obvious reasons he is unavailable for further comments, but his close friend Larry has some top notch advice for people who want to make it past the doormen (albeit never getting in by using this advice himself):

“If you do want to get in, which you won’t, whilst you wait in line you have to remember to be chatty and upbeat, arrive inn groups of two or less, speak German, be both sober and off your face simultaneously, grow and beard and most importantly don’t say a word, especially about how you are looking forward to seeing the inside of Berghain.”