Veteran actor and shuffling enthusiast, Dick Van Dyke, has reportedly been offered a job as a dancer in Ibizan superclub Amnesia this summer.
Van Dyke (89) is said to be very excited at the prospect of “ticking another thing off the bucket list” by spending a season on the hedonistic party island.
“I’ve always wanted to spend a summer in Ibiza,” revealed Van Dyke. “I’ve been there once, it was back in the 60s and consisted mostly of smoking opium and dropping acid, those were some really great times and it’s been an ambition of mine to return and fully submerge myself in the island’s culture for a full summer ever since.”
“Dancing is my passion, I’ve never really considered myself an actor, I’ve always been a dancer in my mind and it feels great to be still getting work offers at my age,” explained the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang star. “I’m doing a lot of shuffling lately, I’ve had both of my hips replaced in recent years and I’ve now got fully mechanised robotic hips that let me shuffle at an incredible speed. I can get from zero to sixty in about four seconds with these boys.”
“Besides the sun, sea, sand, dancing and drinking I’m really looking forward to all the hot European girls with their tits out on the beach,” revealed Van Dyke with a grin from ear to ear. “We just don’t get that level of boob activity in the states, I’m really excited about it, I won’t have seen that much tit action since I worked with Julie Andrews on Mary Poppins.”
“I’m going to tap so much of that ass,” claimed Van Dyke. “At my age I’ve kind of grown out of recreational drug use, the only pill I’ll be taking on the White Isle is Viagra, I’ve ordered a year’s supply of it on the internet and I’m planning on using it all during the four or five months I’ll be in Ibiza.”
“This is probably my last chance to have some hot, no strings attached sex with gangs of barely legal women and I plan on going out in a big jizzy blaze of glory,” he continued. “Having the name Richard wasn’t the only reason I became known as Dick and I’m guessing quite a lot of people are going to find out the other reason this summer.”
