Shufflers who enjoy taking up all the room on the dance floor with their foot popping dancing chicanery, or muppets as they’re also known, are reportedly immune to embarrassment.
Reports in the US, where shuffling, at festivals and in Youtube videos, now has a stranglehold on youth dance music culture, claim that anyone partaking in the dance craze “has lost the part of their brain that experiences the idea of embarrassment”.
A team of behavioral scientists from the University of Science observed shufflers in their natural habitat – a “deep house” DJ set populated entirely by men and women in tight jeans, loose v-neck black tees and yarmulke-like beanie hats – and concluded that “people who are happy to move like they’re a glitch in a video game obviously don’t experience shame the way a normal person does”.
“After we made our observation of the shufflers we conducted a routine battery of tests which establish if that person has an emotional deficiency like shamelessness or, whether it’s just run-of-the-mill stupidity,” explained Dr. David Graham from the University’s Neurotherapy Department. “We found that the part of the brain which regulates embarrassment was functioning incorrectly in 85% of the shufflers we tested, resulting in them feeling no shame when engaging in cretinous, regrettable behaviour like shuffling or espousing how techno they are.”
Dr. Graham says that they presented each shuffler with a series of scenarios that would likely cause embarrassment to people in the normal part of the spectrum and found that they either didn’t respond with normal amounts of cringe or even went as far as approving of what they were exposed to.
“We asked them extremely personal questions and described scenarios that would cause acute embarrassment – things like being caught masturbating by a parent, shitting your pants on a plane or being naked in school and they showed no embarrassment whatsoever,” explained Dr. Graham.
“These kids could have shit the bed on the first night with a new lover and not felt the amount of shame needed to attempt a rudimentary, yet ultimately doomed clean up attempt,” the doctor admonished. “We actually acted out that exact scenario with an especially dangerous case but he just woke up, saw the mess then rolled over and went back to sleep.”
“I saw him shuffling to an MK deep house mash up later that day with shit running down his leg,” he added. “It was flinging all into the crowd of friends watching but they didn’t even seem to notice.”
The report concluded that if you, or anyone you know, enjoys dancing like an electrocuted show off twerp having leg spasms and think you’re cool then you “probably fell on your head repeatedly as a child and or are under 24 and still think stupid, regrettable things like shuffling and Snapchat are totes legit”.
