Perma-tanned pop super pimp Simon Cowell has reportedly been masturbating profusely about the “silly money” he’s expecting to make since news of his upcoming DJ X Factor show was announced last week.
“He hasn’t left his room in weeks,” declared Simon’s long term girlfriend, Lauren Silverman, who says she has gone “unfucked” ever since the announcement was made. “It started off with him just gleefully rubbing his hands together at the prospect of exploiting yet another musical genre for his own gain, but soon the fantasies took a sexual bent.”
Reportedly Cowell, who becomes aroused by money, has been fantasising about “somehow exploiting dance music” ever since he saw how much people were making from the recent EDM explosion.
At first, claims Lauren, Simon was just making little gasps of pleasure over the upcoming show like a person would when enjoying a nice meal, but that things have been escalating to the point where all Simon does is wank to “pictures of cash, phone calls to Alex Sillerman and updates on the development plans for the show”.
Lauren fears that if the show doesn’t air soon then Simon will start to forgo wanking altogether and graduate to actually fucking “Someone or something” for his wicked pleasures.
“When Pop Idol was about to go to air he told me that him and Simon Fuller used to passionately kiss each other while watching Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard because they knew the song and movie’s saccharine emotionalism was, to quote Simon, a big fat cash cow with udders the size of cocks,” explained a worried Lauren. “I hope it doesn’t descend to that.”
Neighbours have complained about the constant sound of man-panting coming through the wall and insist that discarded semen crusted tissues are highly unsanitary and are attracting rodents and Gary Barlow.
“You can’t turn down the TV without hearing the unmistakable sound of fapping through the wall,” complained neighbour Leigh Thomas. “If I wanted to hear the sound of a man making love to himself I’d just listen to Kanye West speak.”
Police have been called to the house on a number of occasions but nothing has been done about the “Cowell money fantasy wankathon” due to the fact that “wanking, while disgusting when performed by men, particularly sleazy musical oligarchs, is not illegal once carried out in one’s own home”.
Simon so far hasn’t denied the reports that he is expectantly wanking about the money his X Factor DJ show is set to earn but pictures showing stains on his chest high pants seem to prove the accusations.
