This years edition of North American EDM-fest and mecca for scantily clad teenagers, Electric Daisy Carnival is set to be headlined by some sort of app.
The announcement that the festival would forgo the use of an actual DJ in its headline slot in favour of an in-vogue but forgettable phone application was made yesterday after it emerged that the festival has already sold out its presale ticket allocation.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to be the first festival in the world to host an app in the headline slot,” enthused an EDC spokesperson in a press release via Instragram. “Over the years we envision that most festivals will feature an app or other largely useless piece of kit that appeals to middle-class young people on their lineups in place of human performers.”
The app, which has not yet been named but is suspected to be a cross between MapMyRun and Spotify, is set to play the Tinder stage where all attendees will be expected to sit quietly while the app makes their already easy lives easier by performing a task that hitherto hadn’t been an issue.
“Well eventually computers will do everything for us within 20 years so I’m frankly not surprised,” claimed one fan. “I heard that the app actually precludes the need to dance or even attend the festival as it beams whatever it does directly into your device so you can gawk mindlessly at it later.
“When you think about it, is having a computerized unfeeling app play a set calibrated by an exercise algorithm any less personal than seeing David Guetta?” she added.
“It actually saves a lot of hassle booking EDM DJs, all we have to do is program the app to exactly mimic the mainstream DJs and it’ll be able to do it flawlessly and without the 6-figure fee,” claimed an EDC spokesperson. “Plus the app won’t do all the cocaine or bang people.”
“We learnt years ago by booking people like Steve Aoki, Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike that music isn’t the highest priority for EDC attendees,” added the spokesperson.
Most ticket holders remain unperturbed by a machine headlining their favourite festival with one making the point that “half of the current crop of DJs are hiding behind robots and headgear anyway so what difference does this make?”
For people who may have misgivings about watching an iPhone 6 play music for 2 hours organisers have said that they’ll “just slap on a load of lights and maybe have a robotic avatar behind the desk to throw its hands up every now and again”.
The app was reportedly designed by the same shady producers who write all of EDM’s biggest hits and “was actually created in the same lab where we designed Martin Garrix” although “it’s actually a more advanced model of the chip that we have in Garrix’s head.”
