The transcendental theory of Spacetime has reportedly claimed that Ibiza’s not what it used to be mere nanoseconds after the big bang occurred, according to multiverse sources.
Speaking from a realm both invisible and unfathomable to the human mind, Spacetime blasted the party island for being too commercial and claimed the spirit of the “early days” has been missing from Ibiza for almost 13.7 billion years.
“If you were a mathematical model that combines both space and time into a single interwoven continuum like me, you’d understand,” claimed Spacetime during a theoretical chat with Wunderground earlier, “but you’re not, you’re just a human, so your brain won’t really be able to comprehend or appreciate how good Ibiza used to be.”
“I remember when there was nothing around here but a singularity,” continued Spacetime, who surprisingly looked a lot like a black Woody Allen. “It was great, all of the matter in the entire cosmos existed in a form smaller than a subatomic particle, but then it got a little bit too hot and crowded, a bit like DC10 at six o’clock in the evening on a Monday in July, and the next thing you know, Bang! We’re smack in the middle of the universe.”
“It’s all been downhill from there if you ask me,” scoffed Spacetime. “There’s been nothing but drama, what with the dinosaurs, meteor strikes, ice ages and, believe me, that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes I just wish for the quiet old days before all of that nonsense. Es Vedra used to be the most magnetic place on earth back then, before the poles came over here and took its job.”
“Then, recently, we’ve had your lot to deal with too,” Spacetime continued accusingly. “At first you were all right. Everyone was happy, the drugs were plentiful and of good quality but then something changed. It became all about the money and before we knew it massive corporations were buying up everything on the island and next of all we’ve got Paris Hilton playing in Amnesia. Can you believe that? I’ll probably not come back next year. I heard Croatia’s nice these days.”
