American global coffee chain Starbucks have announced that they are set to open a brand new branch on the terrace of Ibizan superclub DC10 this summer.
A source from inside Starbucks has confirmed that work has already began on converting the club’s south west corner into a one hundred and fifty seater chain of the popular coffeehouse.
“We here at Starbucks envisage a world where nobody is more than a couple of hundred meters from a Starbucks branch, apart from in loser countries or places where people can’t afford our massively inflated prices, like Canada or Greece,” continued the spokesperson for the Seattle based company.
“Some people might call that a market monopoly while others might even say it’s near global domination,” explained the source with an eerie smile. “But at Starbucks all we want is for everyone, with a disposable income, to have access to genuinely great coffee.”
“Our competitors are probably laughing at us thinking there’s no market for a coffehouse in an Ibizan superclub but what our competitors don’t know is that we adapt to our surroundings, a lot like a cockroach,” he said before licking his eyeball and catching a fly with his tongue. “So we’re targeting the drugged-up, confused, don’t know where the fuck they are clubbers.”
“Picture it. You’re walking through the club, off your face on who knows what and next thing you find yourself in a Starbucks then, before you know it, you’ve got a mega double-mocha-capu-fratu-latte-expialidocious with espresso shots, whipped cream and butterscotch syrup,” he claimed while drooling a thick putrid smelling slime, “and the best part is you’ll have just paid us seventeen Euros for it.”
“Naturally we’ve removed all of the snacks from the menu, however, we’re hopeful that we can survive on beverages alone and we will have drug dealers working the room should anyone be looking for solids or powders,” he concluded while confidently rubbing his hands together.
Other possible new locations for Starbucks branches in 2015 include under the covers in David Guetta’s bedroom, St. Peters Basilica, Stonehenge and your mum’s house.
