EDM star, Steve Aoki, has been remanded in custody after he hospitalised three toddlers and their wheelchair-bound grandmother who went to his home to Trick or Treat as part of last night’s Halloween celebrations.
The police are reporting that they received a distressing call from the father of the three children claiming that a neighbour had “viciously assaulted his children, with a cake. The children were identified as white,” claimed police spokesperson Officer Hammond. “So naturally we took the call extremely seriously and were at Mr. Aoki’s house in under four minutes at which point we took statements from the victims and arrested a man in connection with the unwarranted and sick assault.”
Father of the attacked toddlers, Todd McCoy, told his distressing story to reporters, “I was peaceably Trick or Treating with my young daughters and elderly mother. We came to Mr. Aoki’s house and rang the doorbell but, before the girls could even say ‘trick’, he barreled out the door wearing nothing but a mankini and began savagely throwing cakes at both the girls and my mother.”
“The girls, having weak children’s legs, weren’t fast enough to get away and my mother is confined to a wheelchair. They never stood a chance,” he wept. “I was too terrified to do anything but stand and watch it all unfold. The sound of the girls screaming ‘Daddy help us’ will haunt me for the rest of my life.”
According to Mr. McCoy, the EDM producer “mashed one cake into the face of [his] mother before turning another cake onto the girls. He was about three feet from the girls’ crying faces when he let fly with a cake that was covered in decorative icing in the shape of Mr. Aoki’s own face.”
“He only managed to hit my oldest daughter, Jessica, with his initial throw,” continued an upset Mr. McCoy, before pausing to blubber womanly tears and snot into his sleeve before bravely pulling himself together. “Using the remnants of that cake he then grabbed my youngest daughter, Samantha, by her costume wig and firmly mushed what was left of the cake into her terrified face.”
“Some went into her eyes, up her nose and even her mouth. She suffers from Coeliac’s disease, meaning she is allergic to the high concentrations of gluten present in all cake-like desserts, which makes this senseless assault extra difficult to take.”
Mr. McCoy concluded his version of events by claiming that following his cake attack on two of the girls, Mr. Aoki, returned to the house to retrieve a third cake, which he had prepared earlier. “Having reloaded on cake he then used that cake to attack my middle daughter Amy,” continued Mr. McCoy. “Does that sound like it was a crime of passion? A mistake in the heat of the moment? No it doesn’t, it shows the calculated actions of an unthinking, callous and evil DJ.”
Representatives of the hospital where the girls are being held have claimed that they are being treated for “a loose tooth and minor wounds to the face and head areas”, but psychologists believe that the incident will most probably “emotionally scar the children and lead to psycho-sexual problems in later life.”
“We’ll attempt to prosecute the perpetrator to the fullest extent of the law. Throwing cakes at people might be okay for some boozed up, costume clad, hijinks,” concluded Officer Hammond, “but this is Halloween, not an EDM show.”
Wow…