The dignity of EDM superstar Steve Aoki has been unwittingly discovered in a storage locker in Sacramento, California, during an episode of popular reality television series Storage Wars.
The dignity, which was found wrapped in an oil stained rag and stuffed into the bottom of a tool box, was found by show favourite Barry Weiss, who initially thought it was a child’s toy and claimed that he could, “probably get $25 for it.”
However, on closer inspection, Weiss realised that he had discovered something that could potentially be worth upwards of fifty dollars and decided to take it to Hollywood’s guru to the stars and total charlatan, Shia Labeouf, for a second opinion.
Weiss explained his unusual find to Wunderground earlier this week, “At first I thought it was some sort of a doll or action man figure. It kind of looked like a dog had been chewing on it and it really stank of shit, but maybe not a dog’s shit, probably the shit of a man or group of men.”
“My plan was to clean it up a little bit and try sell it as random junk” explained Weiss. “I’ve a whole idiot section in my shop that’s full of all sorts of worthless crap like Bibles and EDM C.D.s. It definitely would have sold there for twenty five bucks,” he continued.
“It wasn’t until after we’d finished shooting that one of the producers told me that she thought I might have found something a little out of the ordinary. So, always wanting to profit from other people’s misfortune, I decided to take it to Shia and see what it was really worth,” commented the storage hunter.
“Ever since Shia retired from acting he’s become a really incredible spiritual guide in Hollywood. He has some really great clients like Charlie Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger to name the two with the biggest sexual dysfunctions,” he continued. “I like to think that I played a big role in Shia getting to where he is now after I sold him a Spritual Guidance For Dummies book a couple of weeks ago.”
“As soon as he seen the Steve Aoki dignity-doll he knew exactly what it was. I suppose for someone ‘in the know’ the crusted on cake would be a dead give away, but I don’t even know who this Steve Aoki guy is,” admitted Weiss.
“And that’s unusual because I do consider myself an expert in everything that’s cheap and tacky,” he added.
“I was a little disappointed to find out it was only actually worth ten dollars, not even enough to cover my gas money, but I am happy that this guy can finally be reunited with his dignity,” he graciously concluded.
Aoki, who claims his dignity was stolen in high school during an incident which seen him sodomised by a gang of wheelchair bound bullies, is said to be delighted to be reunited with his dignity after all these years.
The music industry is now waiting to see whether Aoki, pictured above practicing DJing, will relaunch his career in a more dignified manner or whether he’ll keep churning out the same shameless crap we’ve all come to expect from him.
Bashing Steve Oaki will always remain wunderground best work!! Another great article!!