The self respect of cavorting EDM mega-cretin, Steve ‘Cake’ Aoki, has finally been located after an agonising twenty year search – chained to the wall in Joe Fritzl’s fuck dungeon.
Aoki, who it is rumoured was “getting along fine without the self respect thing”, is claiming to be delighted that it has been found so that he can “stop doing all the gimmicky garbage” and finally make actual music.
“I’m just so happy that after so long I’ve found my self respect,” confirmed Aoki, topless in a dinghy with master misogynist and Instagram cocktard, Dan Bilzerian, his BFF – snapping off pictures of their matching scrotum tattoos and cackling to videos of Syrian refugees being tripped. “I mean, I was getting by fine without it, being the favourite DJ or ill-educated morons and celebrities is a nice life but I’m getting tired of jumping onto whatever trend is fashionable – like being into punk then abandoning that when it became apparent that there was more money being a DJ, and less work too.”
“Now I won’t have to do any of those things and maybe I can just be a DJ with dignity and grace, and Cristal and cocaine,” he added, “like the rest of the DJs who don’t need to throw a cake into the audience or crowd surf because the track their iPod shuffled on to dropped.”
Aoki is set to be reunited with his self respect later this week after the abstract emotion is cleaned up and given a routine battery of psychological tests in a Swiss nursing facility following the harrowing twenty year ordeal.
“It was something of a horror show down there, Aoki’s self respect had long since abandoned any of its own self respect and had taken to mucking around in its own filth, drinking piss and thinking that brash electro-house from 2007 was still credible,” claimed the police who found the emotion. “When we opened the wall of the underground dungeon there was a smell of old piss and broken glowsticks emanating from the back corner where we found Aoki’s self respect, chained to a wall and gibbering the lyrics to Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.”
“It’s probably the most underground Aoki’s ever been and he’s still not credible,” he added.
Some of the other Aoki emotions that are believed to be still missing include his sense of humour, dignity and the ability to experience shame.
