An English stoner is hoping to get himself healthy by swapping joints for weed that has been blended in a Nutribullet.
Jake Stevens, who has spent the last six years eating microwaved Greggs’ pasties for dinner, has decided that it is “time to get in shape” after noticing that rolling a spliff caused him to lose his breath.
“It’s time to start looking after myself properly,” insisted Stevens earlier today. “The last six years seem to have gone by in an instant. I was a healthy nineteen year old lad when I started smoking weed. Then, all of a sudden, I’m a fat, out of shape, twenty five year old couch potato. Things have to change.”
“I’ve been hearing a lot of hype about these Nutribullets things so I bought one yesterday,” continued Mr Stevens. “Apparently, you just put all your greens into it, blend them up, drink it and then you get healthy. I’m not really big into vegetables, apart from those carrot flavoured orange rectangles you get in pasties, so I’ll just put weed into it instead, it’s green too so I think it’ll work just the same.”
“It works out really well because, not only will I be Nutribulleting, I also won’t be smoking so I’ll be extra healthy,” explained Jake. “Plus, I’ve only been drinking Pepsi Max the last couple of months. Honestly, I haven’t even started using the Nutribullet yet and I’m already feeling better. I think I might have a spliff to celebrate. I can always start the new regime tomorrow.”
According to sources close to Mr Stevens, at the time of going to print the twenty five year old had put his Nutribullet up for sale on Gumtree and plans on spending the funds raised by its sale on an “extra big” bag of weed.
