A study carried out by the European Parents Association has revealed that parents who reprimand their teenage children for “drinking and taking drugs” are only doing so out of “barely contained jealousy.”
“We discovered that those parents who had the biggest problem with their teenagers partying were massively jealous of their lifestyle and freedom,” claimed study leader, psychologist Dr. Abdul Giroud. “Most of them feel like they’ve lost their energy and begin to resent the child’s youthful adventures with drug taking and partying. It can get to the point where the parents jealousy becomes incredibly ‘annoying’ for the teens.”
“It’s as I suspected all along,” claimed 17 year old dance music fan Simon Wilson, whose father Kevin took part in the study. “I always believed that any time Dad lectured me for coming home while high on drink and drugs that he was doing it out of spiteful jealousy but now I know that to be a fact.”
“Of course I plan to rub it in his face,” added Simon. “From now any time I come home late and he says ‘I was worried sick’ or ‘what time do you call this?’ I’ll know he’s just pissed off that I’m out having an amazing time while he’s at home probably washing dishes, wanking to videos unattainable teen porn stars and coming to terms with his own dwindling mortality.”
The study indicated that most parents feel like they’ve “wasted their youth by not having enough fun” in their younger years and so they begin to resent their children for living the lives that they never had.
“We can pinpoint the precise moment that the parents felt they threw their lives away to be when they found out they were to have children. The resentment of a life not lived starts at that moment,” explained Dr. Giroud. “In some of the more extreme cases it appears that any expression of youthful freedom like playing with Pokemon cards or swinging on a tyre swing can send the parent into a cloud of petulant jealousy.”
“It’s not fair,” bawled Simon’s father, Kevin Wilson. “Simon gets to do whatever he wants while I have to work and make breakfast and pay mortgages and look after stupid kids. Mortgages are boring and kids are annoying. I want to be able to take ecstasy and snort coke like Simon. I’m not allowed to do anything. It’s not fair.”
After Kevin calmed down over a glass of warm milk and cookies he concluded by saying that while he now understands that his concern with Simon’s lifestyle is based solely on jealousy he “makes no promises” that he won’t continue to be a “bit of a cunt who’ll hit him the odd smack.”
