The results of a study released by M.I.T. today into the phenomena known as “superstar DJs” has suggested that, rather than being some form of cosmic deity deserving of unflinching worship, they are in fact mere mortals like everyone else who, just like every other human, “shit digested food from their anuses”.
The study also claimed that as well as “defecating regularly” the superstar DJs also “urinated, or pissed to use the layman’s term, out of their genitalia” sometimes as often as “6 to 8 times per day” depending on how much water or complimentary champagne they’ve consumed.
“It’s strange,” claimed lead researcher Dr. Anders Glopp, “but the research we’ve carried out seems to indicate that, much like the average human, superstar DJs excrete sweat and urea, they survive by eating food and drinking water, and even get snotty noses and bad breath, like all humans do.”
“There’s always been the school of thought that superstar DJs such as Calvin Harris, Paul Oakenfold and David Guetta were some kind of higher life form, perhaps gods,” continued Dr. Glopp, “but this new research suggests that they’re a lot more closely related to humans than previously thought, in fact, if our suspicions are correct, it may be revealed that they actually are human, which is plainly incredible to believe.”
Dr. Glopp claimed that some other telltale signs of human behaviour from superstar DJs included “picking their asses and then smelling their fingers, wanking into socks and biting their toenails”.
“It’s entirely possible that superstar DJs are as human as you or I,” continued the doctor. “Now this is still only conjecture, but it is my belief that superstar DJs, as well as scratching their rectums and smelling their fingers, probably have wet the bed at some point in their lives, probably many times, even as recently as this weekend.”
Not everybody is keen to accept Dr. Glopp’s revolutionary hypothesis on the correct classification of superstar DJs as human with some people claiming that the findings “fly in the face of all common sense” and that DJs like Ricardo Villalobos are “surely gods, or at least related to Jesus somewhere along the line” and that to think otherwise was heresy.
“This study is just wrong,” claimed one angry Calvin Harris fan. “Anyone who has ever been to a Calvin Harris show knows that he’s at the very least some sort of Nietzschean bronzed übermensch who is deserving of our undying gratitude and lifelong love for how he gets one generic record to miraculously mix into the next, broadly similar sounding, record. Surely no human being could do something like that.”
The study concluded by offering the advice that people stop thinking about DJs like they’re infallible, genius deities and accept the fact that DJs are just people, unhygienic, disgusting people.
