Reports from Northern England suggest that tanning injections, also known as tanners, are now outselling heroin in the city of Newcastle.
Wunderground sources have confirmed that the area of Northumberland is now completely overrun with muscular, orange cretins.
“Things are really starting to get worrying here,” our Newcastle correspondent George Burns told us earlier today. “The city is beginning to look more like Loompaland, home of the Oompa Loompas, than an English city. The only people who don’t seem to be using tanning injections are old age pensioners and intravenous drug users.”
“It’s hard to figure out how the people using them actually think they look good,” he continued. “Clearly, there must be some problem with mirrors in the region because I’m sure that one glimpse of themselves with a horrible orange glow would be enough to scare them away from using tanners for the rest of their lives.”
“To make matter worse, the tanning injection craze has come right at the end of the teeth whitening epidemic, which itself happened shortly after the sleeve tattoo outbreak of early 2014,” he added cautiously. “Now, the whole city looks like it’s in training for some sort of weird UFC themed musical.”
According to the latest statistics, if the demand for tanning injections in Newcastle continues to grow at its current rate, the city will soon replace areas of Belfast as home to the world’s densest population of orange men.