Angst ridden hipster teens all over the UK will have access to tattoos on the NHS as part of a new “anti-identity crises campaign”, known as Tattoos for Teens, which is set to be introduced early next month.
The new initiative will allow one full sleeve, a small neck tattoo and up to three miscellaneous pieces of body art for each British resident of the ages of eighteen and nineteen. Alternatively, facial piercings will also be available for anyone in that age group who does not wish to have a tattoo.
Department of Health spokesperson Anita Pill spoke to Wunderground, “Approximately fifty percent of British citizens between the ages of eighteen and twenty are hipsters and of these only twelve percent can afford to pay for their own tattoos. Here at the Department of Health we fear major repercussions to these citizen’s mental health if we do not act fast to rectify this statistic.”
“As of Monday 8 March, NHS funded tattoo parlours will be offering a range of services to help these young hipsters discover their true self identity and obtain the individuality they crave, by getting the exact same tattoos as all their friends,” continued Ms Pill. “And all at such a low cost to the taxpayer that you’ll hardly feel it, any more than you already do.”
British Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, known by backbenchers as “Hunt Hunt the big fat cunt”, has claimed the introduction of the Tattoos for Teens campaign shows that the current Conservative government are one of the “most forward thinking of all time” and leaves Britain in good shape for the possible “Brexit” later this year.
Teenage hipster Rasmus “Flower Viper” Chelstrom-Brewick claimed the introduction of the Tattoos for Teens campaign was “alright” and that he’ll “probably get a tattoo or something” before he turns twenty in May 2017.
“It’s kind of cool I suppose,” claimed Chelstrom-Brewick disdainfully. “It’s an OK idea, considering an old politician came up with it. I might get a tattoo next week. Probably of something like a geometrical Banksy style Mickey Mouse head being eaten by its own self obsessed thoughts. Now that’s cool!”
According to sources within the Department of Health, if the Tattoos for Teens campaign is successful a similar initiative could be introduced to the NHS that would see male hipsters, who are unable to grow beards, qualify for facial hair implants.
