A young techno fan lost his battle with what has been described as virulent strain of embarrassment after mistakenly attending an EDM gig believing it to be a credible dance music event.
Reports claim that the victim, 28 year old Alex Harold, a life long techno fan who lists Dave Clarke, Kevin Saunderson and Karenn as some of his heroes, was invited to the EDM event by some much younger friends and went along without knowing any of the DJs playing under repeated insistences from his friends that it was dance music.
Immediately upon arrival Alex began displaying symptoms of acute embarrassment brought on by the “deplorable state of the music and people”. The symptoms have been described by witnesses as ranging from “being slightly red faced, having cheeks like a Bloody Beetroot, trying unsuccessfully to hide his head under his coat and holding his hand over his mouth in disbelieving embarrassed shock like he’d just witnessed a quiet teenage boy getting pantsed by laughing girls to reveal a tiny boner”.
“He just looked mortified when he saw the guys in their neon coloured clothes and the 16 year old girls screaming about how great Calvin Harris was and how Steve Aoki was the world’s most technically proficient DJ,” claimed Alex’s friend Paul who attended the event but insists he managed to survive because he’s not too precious about the music and only goes for the “young pussy” like an estimated 65% of the males in attendance.
Alex tried to enjoy the music and get into the spirit of it but his best intentions only lasted to the second drop after which point he couldn’t hide how embarrassed he was to be listening to music which he described on his death bed as “utterly irredeemable, horrible nonsense designed for fat eared children”.
Paramedics were alerted to Alex’s condition after he collapsed during a set in which one of the headphone-less performers pulled off the cross facer knobs from his unplugged in mixer and threw them into the crowd before jumping in himself in a haze of champagne mist all while the mix continued on without him.
“I think that was the last straw,” claimed Paul. “He just sort of cringed, vomited and then doubled up in pain. He was in a coma before he hit the ground.”
“He fought as hard as he could but in the end he was just too mortified by the big room electro house sound and the total lack of anything resembling a legitimate cultural scene to live any more,” continued Paul. “I think ultimately, having witnessed what he did, he was probably lucky to die.”
“I think that he wouldn’t have wanted to live in a world where untalented, bandwagon jumping pop acts are conducting a wholesale rape of the clubbing scene he loved so much,” wept Paul, who insists that he’ll never listen to EDM again out of respect for his friend whose life was stolen by the genre. “His ashes will be scattered to the wind in Ibiza and Berlin while Derrick May’s Strings of Life plays from a boombox. It’s what he would have wanted…”
Hilarious story!
A point tho: can we stop using trigger words like “rape” to describe things when there are so many other, non-triggery words to use? There are lots of people for whom that is a trigger for flashbacks, massive anxiety attacks and any number of PTSD reactions. Grab the thesaurus and find something better, please.
I largely agree with you, though, still, the word can also simply mean, “to plunder” (e.g., “the barbarians raped the town”/”the barbarians plundered the town”), as it originally meant, or “to abuse” (non-sexually), so it’s a shame to not be able to use those meanings…then again, I suppose a silly inconvenience for me is less important (and I say that with no sarcasm).
I feel like, in the interest of literary integrity, words like “rape”
are used, specifically, because of their “triggery” nature. This is why
metaphors are so powerful. Take your functional, but not grammatically
correct, word “triggery”, for instance. It is a forced adjective,
bastard child of “trigger”, a noun that you used as an adjective, and
one that could cause a negative reaction if, for instance, I was ever
robbed at gunpoint. At some point, we have to give artists the freedom
to use sensitive terms, and respect that their histories often do not
correlate with our own.
Ummmm no… Anxiety and trauma are best confronted (see “exposure therapy”) not avoided. The world is doing no one a service by bending over backwards to individuals personal issues.
Fucking Hilarioso!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=des3JzRBtM0
DAVID GUETTA PRETENDING TO DJ !
While amusing, the timing of this satire is unfortunate in the light of an actual death at EDC; making it more classless and insensitive.
Or what is more classless and insensitive, is attempting to make this article seem as if it was written in light of the death of some poor soul – rather than, simply and accurately checking the date on which it was a published…..you cretin.
omg mate just stop talking please for the love of god
brilliant
LOL. Love it!