Trying to spot teenagers out and about on the streets, kicking footballs against garage doors or spitting on park benches, is entirely fruitless as they now only exist online.
The entire teenaged population of the world have forgone physical existence in favour of being purely digital, allowing them to constantly do things that they most enjoy, gluing their eyes to a variety of apps that will mostly be rendered pointless by the time they’re 30.
“At first I thought that they were all probably at home painting their rooms black, listening to angsty music and wanking their hormones off, but it seems like they’ve actually just become computers,” claimed cultural observer Barry Mahon. “It kind of makes sense because I don’t think any of them have kicked a football, climbed a tree or looked each other in the eye since 2010.”
“You used to see them going to discos, drinking Glenn’s vodka and fingering each other down laneways,” he continued. “But now, they’re all just Whatsapping pictures of their own pubeless genitalia, swapping gifs and getting progressively fatter.”
“Existing just online is a natural progression as they weren’t really using their bodies for anything other than taking selfies anyway,” he added.
When approached to comment on why they’ve decided to only exist online the nation’s teenagers responded with ‘pfffft’, then sent a gif of Burt Reynolds shrugging and typing LOL.
“Which doesn’t even work now, you need a mouth to laugh out loud, something which, as a series of 1s and 0s flying around social networks they no longer have,” explained Barry. “I don’t know what we’ll do now that teenagers are just digital avatars. Whose youth and exuberance will we denigrate jealousy now that we’re grown ups who have mortgages and hangovers?”
Initial reports claim that people in there twenties, who are already expending large amounts of effort in behaving like teenagers, will now put more effort into acting like teenagers by setting up Whatsapp groups, moving back in with their parents and bullying each other online.”
