A report published today has made the claim that teenagers only do drugs just to be little fuckers who are hellbent on putting their stressed parents into an early grave.
The report which was compiled by the International Authority on Drugs says that teenagers, fed up with their parents giving them life, providing for their every need and loving them unconditionally, decide to act our their parents’ worst fears by taking illegal street drugs and turning into little pricks.
The report also claimed that getting tattoos, having underage sex, smoking and drinking alcohol were all related to the teenagers urge to annoy and stress the parent and are activities that the teenager actually derives no pleasure from.
“I actually don’t even like smoking weed but I know my Dad hates that I do it,” claimed teen rebel Andrew Thornton who says he doesn’t know why he wants to spite his parents so much but guesses that it’s probably just hormones or boredom, “And while I don’t enjoy the sleepy high you get from smoking potent weed at the back of the flats, I do enjoy the pleasure I get when I know that my Dad is worrying that I’ll catch AIDS and die in a puddle.”
Andrew claims that he recently started taking ecstasy on the weekends and listening to pounding, almost unlistenable German techno, in the hope that it’ll drive his Dad up the wall.
“I’ll have it playing in my room,” he explains. “It’s so banging that it just stops sounding like music eventually and starts to resemble the sound of a cowbell being kicked to death in some terrifying Orwellian dystopia. I have to listen to The Kinks on my headphones just to bear to be in the room.”
“The fear that my taking esctasy instills in my Dad is actually a more enjoyable to observe than the actual affects of ecstasy,” continued Andrew before claiming that all of his friends only do drugs as a sort of Situationist experiment to create tension in their parents’ lives as a means to escape the bland quotidian nightmare of being a middle class teenager. “Most people would have you believe that teenagers do drugs because of a natural curiosity and need to explore outside of the home but we’re really doing it to drive our parents crazy with worry, for a laugh.”
