A study carried out in Humboldt University of Berlin has proven that teenagers who breathe oxygen are more likely to use drugs than those who don’t.
A university wide survey has left faculty and parents alike in a state of panic after the results revealed that a staggering 100% of the students who admitted to using drugs recreationally were also regular oxygen breathers.
“It’s the first time we’ve noticed any kind of link between breathing oxygen and drug abuse,” claimed sociology lecturer Dr. Maria Schipp. “Practically every student we questioned admitted to experimenting with some form of substance abuse and every single one of them were oxygen breathers.”
“It’s a very worrying statistic for us here on campus,” continued Dr. Schipp. “At the moment we have little or no alternative to oxygen, at this rate the entire student population will be open minded, highly functioning and well rounded teenage druggies. Something has to be done!”
According to university management, they are investigating a number of avenues to starve their thriving college community of oxygen.
“We have been looking into pumping the university full of helium,” confirmed Chancellor Mickey Schmeller, “but we’re worried the squeaky voiced side effect may affect concentration levels. Another possible solution is nitrous oxide but the students might enjoy that so it’s a last resort at best.”
“I’d sooner watch all of my students choke to death on a mixture of methane and carbon dioxide then admit that experimenting with drugs is a normal part of adolescence,” continued Chancellor Mickey. “I never tried any kind of drugs and I turned out to be an exemplary and rational man.”
A follow-on study has revealed that the teenagers involved are also food eaters and toilet users, prompting the university to remove all cafeteria and sanitary facilities.
