In the wake of the current post-sex selfie craze that is sweeping Instagram – a newer, stranger yet more universal selfie craze is gathering steam – the post-wank selfie.
“The after-sex selfie is for couples who are often just showing off their beauty and the fact that they’ve just fucked each other,” confided blogger and prolific masturbator, Alan Curtis. “But with the post-wank selfie you’re removing that level of smugness and baring the inner soul of someone who has just fucked their own hand to orgasm while alone in bed.”
Instagram users began posting the post-wank selfies in response to what they describe as post-sex selfies which varied from “the self-obsessed posturing of the smugly beautiful” to “I didn’t know Quasimodo and Shrek were a couple” level of unnecessary, and disgusting displays of public affection.
“These are the most exposed, private and moving selfies you’re ever likely to see,” continued Alan. “A person who has just pleasured him or herself is experiencing a very private, and often depressing moment, which is why some of the men are crying in a subset of post-wank selfies called post-tearjerk selfies.”
“What the post-wank selfie does is liberate single people from the perceived shame of being a wanker,” he added.
Using the hashtag “#afterwank” or “#postwank” users are urged to post a picture of themselves taken in the moments after they’ve brought themselves to orgasm with their own hand or a toy, “preferably before any cleaning up has taken place” and post it to Instagram before texting the number 58008 to donate €3 to “tit, ball and toe” cancer research.
“We’re also urging people to write a brief little story about who their wank was about, a friend, an ex, a family member, that sort of thing,” continued Alan. “They’re also urged to do it more than once, which shouldn’t be a problem for most men at least who definitely wank several times a day, so that we can raise as much money for a non-specified cancerous cancer as possible.”
Some popular celebs have already posted their post-wank selfies including Camilla Parker Bowles, Piers Morgan and DJ Calvin Harris, who added that it had been his “fourth of the day” and that while he was doing it he “was thinking about money”.
