Thousands of children all over the world have been left disappointed and presentless after Santa failed to make deliveries to more than half of the world’s well behaved children.
A global naughty epidemic has been ruled out as the cause after evidence emerged that suggests Santa descended down the wrong chimney during a routine delivery in Liverpool’s Toxteth area. Santa entered the house, which contained no children, at approximately two forty five a.m. during an annual Christmas Eve party.
House tenant, Steven O’Reilly, explains, “We’ve been having a Chrissy Eve party in our gaff for years now, it’s a bit of a custom for us at this stage.”
“We were all just after dropping some eccies (ecstasy tablets) when we heard a rumbling in the chimney, then next thing we know, fucking Santa is sitting in our fireplace,” explained Mr. O’Reilly. “He looked dead shocked to see us and tried to slip back up the chimney but our Dave managed to grab him and after a little bit of persuasion he agreed to stay for a bevy.”
“One thing led to another and before long he double dropped and was walking around the party totally mashed, asking people mental questions like ‘have you seen my doll hammer?’ or ‘where’s the reindeer food?'” he said jokingly. “He’s dead sound but he was totally off his fucking face,” he added.
“He’s still here, we tried to tell him that he needed to go deliver presents but he fell asleep upstairs in the spare bedroom, he’s going to be pretty pissed off when he wakes up and realises that he’s given all his Playstation Fours and Xbox ones to a load of twenty something year old Scousers.”
Sources in the North Pole have confirmed that Mrs. Clause is “extremely worried” that Santa has yet to return home. We caught up with her earlier today, “Santa never usually stays out after it gets bright on Christmas morning, well sometimes he’ll stop by Jesus’s house for a spliff and a drink to celebrate his birthday with him and his boyfriend, The Tooth Fairy, but definitely not without texting before hand,” explained the clearly worried woman.
“Usually he’s home by dawn, I give him his annual blowwy and he falls asleep, happy, until some time in September, I just hope the Jews or the Muslims haven’t gotten their hands on him, they’ll kill him for sure.”
🙂