Police today released a statement detailing the harrowing news that at the massive outdoor EDM event, Overpriced Cunt Carnival, approximately no people sadly lost their lives and that unfortunately the event wasn’t cut short due to something dangerous and dramatic killing people.
Police claim that everyone who attended the annual teenage EDM mecca was unfortunately safe and in no danger for the duration of the event with 100% of the attendees feared still alive.
Witnesses claim that in spite of their hopes that everyone make it out dead they didn’t encounter any gun shots, violence, drug deaths or “anything untoward at all. It was terrible, just seeing all those EDM fans not dying horribly will haunt me for the rest of my life. There was nothing anyone could do to stop what went on. One minute they were all there having a fantastic time and the next minute, they were still having a fantastic time with no visible wounds dancing away to some woeful excuse for dance music without a care in the world. They didn’t deserve to live like that.”
Parents of the teenagers who attended the event were devastated at the news and with most of them not wishing to have their grief invaded by reporters we were only able to speak to a brave few who wanted to speak out against this terrible not-mass killing.
“I wish my daughter and her friends never went now,” wept Brian Maxwell, the father one of the EDM fans who sadly lived at the event. “You just never in a million years expect that your teenage kids will go to an event like that and not die horribly. When she was leaving I smacked her across the face with all my heart and told her not to come home safe…I guess she didn’t listen, like always.”
“I just want to know what the police were doing,” he continued. “They had guns, why didn’t they do something to stop it? Where are the crazed lone gunmen when you need them?”
Acting as spokesperson for the rest of the parents affected by the day’s events Brian concluded by asking for “peace and quiet on behalf of the families of all the people who didn’t die here today so that they can try to piece together their devastated lives.”
Spokespeople for the event offered their sincere condolences to all the families who didn’t lose a son or daughter in this senseless life spree and claimed that they will be launching an inquiry into the events of the night in question.
“We offer our sincerest condolences to the parents and families of those so needlessly alive on this black, black day. We will do everything in our power to ensure that whoever didn’t justifiably kill all the attendees will be brought to justice and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
They certainly (don’t) deserve to live like that!
I think this is the most tasteless article I have ever read. Stop polluting the internet, please.