Trance legend and self confessed alien space lizard, Tiësto, has won plaudits in the electronic music community this week for finally coming out as human.
Tiësto, pictured here wearing his usual human body suit, is believed to have struggled with his speciality for years – identifying as homosapien while occupying the body of a space lizard occupying the robotic shell of a human.
“All the other space lizards bullied me for years,” claimed an upset Tiësto. “They knew what I was before I did….they’d call me names like hot-blooded meathead, Earth-lover, and Nigel.”
Tiësto, whose ice-cool demeanor, deep-set reptilian eyes and impossibly angular head confirmed him as a member of the hyper secretive cult of space lizards in control of the world, now says he wants to become full homosapien and abandon his space lizard past.
“I might have been born a space lizard on Rigel 5 but in my heart I’ve always identified as a homosapien,” continued the trance star, “I never connected with the other space lizards in my pod, I was always an outsider and something other than them.”
“My space lizard podmates would be eating human brains, sucking marrow from bloody spines, manipulating the stock market and ruling the world secretly,” explained the DJ. “But I was always more interested in human things like not being a giant space lizard, not secretly enslaving planets of lesser species, and DJing.”
Tiësto, who famously can’t smile or display emotion without looking like an awkward caricature of Andrew Lloyd Webber, claims that the first time he wore a human suit he did it to explore his nascent urge to become a human himself rather than as part of his necessary disguise while living on Earth.
“I was just always fascinated with their grace and beauty and how they carried themselves in blissful ignorance of their dominion by a powerful species of space lizards,” he explained.
It is believed that Tiësto will undergo a dramatic “species change operation” to “fulfill [his] destiny as a human man” that will see him spend 12 hours having his scales, claws and teeth removed, while bleaching his green skin to a human pink.
“I’ll also have to have my tail clipped and my forearms lengthened,” he continued. “Finally I’ll be the human I was born to be.”
“I’m actually in a sexual relationship with another homosapien who has been very supportive throughout the whole thing,” explained an excited Tiësto. “When she looks at me she doesn’t see a space lizard with tentacles and claws, she’s able to look past that and see that inside this massive, alien chest beats a human heart.”
Tiësto claims that the most difficult aspect of his transformation was coming out to his space lizard overlords who he says have now disowned him claiming that “space lizards can do whatever in the privacy of their own capsules but Tiësto is too out in the open with it and is only doing it to hurt us.”
“Kenarkerack hates humans,” echoed Tiësto’s biological and machine space lizard father, David Cameron quoting from The Bible Of Kenarkerack – the space lizard god. “If he wants to maintain this disgusting charade then he’ll never achieve communion in the sacred basking waters of Kerringinar. He’s no offspring of mine.”
