Dutch EDM star Tiesto has today relaunched himself as a soft drink.
From now on Tiesto’s main job description will be changed from “formerly loved trance DJ/EDM hack” to “soft drinks ambassador” who also “sometimes presses buttons on a computer to make music for American consumers to rage to and hopefully become thirsty”.
“While it’s difficult to turn him completely into a soft drink and still maintain the necessary solidity to sell the stuff we’ve gone for the next best thing,” gushed a 7Up source. “Legally he will be the same as a glass of 7Up, he’s signed over his autonomy when he put pen to paper on this deal.”
“Tiesto will constantly have to wear a jacket with 7Up emblazoned on the crest, always have 7 bottles of 7Up on him which he is contractually obliged to provide to anyone who says their thirsty,” continued the spokesperson, who is a person who speaks and not a person made of spokes.
The commercialisation of dance music is set to continue as it has been revealed that some of EDMs top names are to start providing product placement services for some of the world’s most well known brands – David Guetta recently signed a deal with Halliburton to put his face on a new line of missiles.
Tiesto, who began his relationship with 7Up via a similar sponsorship agreement, is set to become the first human advert for anything other than sex that the world has ever seen. The DJ is now contractually obliged to have adverts for 7Up appear in all of his performances throughout the next year – which is set to involve wearing a 7Up t-shirt, dressing as the pencil drawn 7Up guy, having a 7Up logo projected onto his enlarged forehead, only drinking 7Up.
Throughout the course of the set he will also be contractually required to use a sample that says “ahhhh, 7Up” at least 5 times each hour. His next album, which will be co executive produced by 7Up, is his 7th album and will be titled 7up, set for a release in 2017(Up).
