Owners of stylish London venue Tobacco Dock have confirmed they are to rename the entire premises as “Tobacco Docks”, suggesting “it’s simpler this way”.
A change of name for the listed building, which hosts anything from the bespoke grooming shows to sophisticated corporate events, has been prompted by senior staff members, placing the blame fully on “divvy fucking youngsters” who continuing to pluralise the name in every single tweet, Facebook post and Instagram hashtag about the venue.
“We’ve had people from the finance, catering, media, manufacturing, IT, medical and video game industries hire this space and not once have they got the name wrong,” claimed owner Ian Sharpe. “Since we started letting house music promoters use our venue, we have seen a rise in people adding an ‘s’ to the end of the word ‘Dock’, for no reason other than being ignorant cunts.”
“I hired a PR company in an attempt to fix this problem but they flopped,” continued a miserable Ian. “We sent out press release after press release, e-shot after e-shot, and even ran a host of educational seminars and development classes to teach people in the hope they would drop the ‘s’ but nothing fucking worked. After three years of graft and over four million pounds spent on attempting to uphold the true and original name of our venue, which has been here since the eighteen hundreds, we have accepted that it is to be called ‘Tobacco Docks’ for here on in.”
Wunderground spoke to Jazmine Jones, a nineteen year old raver, to ask what she thinks of the name change, “I don’t really understand what you’re on about,” she confusingly told us. “Why would they put a food exhibition on at a rave venue? I can’t imagine a poncy business meeting going down very well in the middle of a packed dance floor. All I know is I go Docks to get off my nut. I thought it was a nightclub like Fabric, except that it doesn’t open at night and only puts on daytime raves where me and the girls can go and get messy, oi oi! Have you got any ket on you? Can I have a bump?”
