“Traktor Kontrol S8 To Replace 50% Of The World’s Girlfriends And Boyfriends” Predicts Native Instruments Executive

A Native Instruments executive has predicted that their new flagship controller, the Traktor Kontrol S8, will replace at least fifty percent of the world’s girlfriends and boyfriends in early 2015.

Retailers believe that the controller, set to be released next month, will cause quite a stir this Christmas, with many believing this year’s must have piece of DJing equipment will sell out quickly as the race for the perfect present heats up.

Gerd Kroos, head of international sales at Native Instruments, spoke to Wunderground earlier, “Here at Native Instruments we believe that the brand new Kontrol S8 is such a state-of-the-art, high tech and powerful piece of equipment that it could replace fifty percent of the world’s girlfriends and boyfriends after its release later this year.”

“The controller obviously won’t be viewed as a substitute for an actual human partner but we are predicting the hours put into mastering the highly sophisticated piece of technology will lead to major frustration amongst the spouses of DJs,” explained Mr. Kroos. “This will most likely lead to a large number of relationships ending and could even potentially slow down international population growth.”

Native Instruments have also confirmed that there will be male and female versions of the Kontrol S8, “In an attempt to soften the blow of the imminent break ups we’ve made two separate editions of the S8. There’s the Kontrol S8X for men and the Kontrol S8Y for women,” continued Kroos.

“The controllers are practically identical apart from a few small features,” he explained. “The S8X, for men, will have a brand new ‘dick suck function’, located next to the headphone jack. This new feature will provide perfect sexual relief for a DJ who has recently come out of a relationship. There’s also a nag function and an over reaction scale on the effects machine, making this the perfect post break up controller.”

“The women’s version, the Kontrol S8, also has some very attractive new features including a detachable Rampant Rabbit vibrator that syncs perfectly with the BPM of the track you’re currently playing,” continued Kroos. “The S8Y will also go out once a week without telling you where it’s going and come home drunk after losing all of its money in the bookies at least once a month., making it the perfect blow softener needed for any DJing woman after a tough break up.”

“We really don’t want our equipment to replace normal loving partners but by making these new additions to the Kontrol S8 we’re ensuring that our customers are prepared for the worst.”