American business tycoon, and septic haired bog creature, Donald Trump has set his sights on becoming DJ Mag’s number one DJ should his bid to become America’s first peadophile president fail.
Trump is believed to be having “cold feet” at the prospect of becoming president and believes that becoming the world’s number one DJ could be a more suitable title for him.
Wunderground managed to get an exclusive interview with the presidential candidate earlier, “I only ran for President because I was bored and I was looking for some tax breaks,” admitted the human version of a processed cheese slice that’s been left sitting on a radiator for six weeks. “I never actually thought I’d make it this far, it’s shocking. I don’t want that job, with the eyes of the world constantly on me. I get up to way too much crazy shit for that.”
“I’ve been leaking stuff to the press and trying to derail my campaign for months now,” continued Trump, “but no matter what I say or do I keep getting more popular. I knew the general public in America were pretty dumb but I didn’t know they were this dumb, at this rate I’ll probably have to skin a puppy, boil it alive and eat it on live television to make sure I don’t get elected.”
“If I can manage to get out of this, I’m going to go for the DJ Mag Top 100 list,” confirmed Trump, once likened to a “ton of decaying elephant faeces in a piss soaked sack” by Saddam Hussein. “That’s where all the good, young pussy is at these days. And If I can get myself to the top of this poll, I’m confident that I can get myself to the top of any poll out there.”
According to DJ Mag sources, Trump would stand a very good chance of making it to the top of the poll despite having no DJing experience.
“Being a DJ isn’t the be all and end all of becoming the world’s number one DJ,” explained the source. “Just look at Martin Garrix or Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike, do you think those guys got to the top of the poll on merit? Of course they didn’t, they got there because they could afford huge marketing campaigns and I’m pretty sure Trump can afford it too. He could easily be the world’s number one DJ in the next year or two.”