An up and coming techno DJ who is unfortunately cursed with a face like Mike Ashley’s twin sister and a gut described as “equatorial” has decided to trade solely on a quirky personality to boost his career.
Mark Davis, from London, who is euphemistically described as “stout”, “built” and “not a fat shambling mess”, has been DJing for three years and claims that he has lost out on numerous DJ slots in favour of his more coiffed, tanned and thin rivals.
“It’s a shame that people can’t just appreciate me for my talent instead of how I look in press shots or how fuckable people might consider me,” explained Mark. “Even though I’m a better DJ and person than most of the others I’ve met, my shape just doesn’t translate well to the moody sex appeal that other DJs have in their arsenal of standing behind decks and looking like you’d probably bang them.”
“So for that reason I’ve to try and be funny or quirky,” he continued. “Which is something of a problem cause I’m not that funny, for example I’m a big Michael McIntyre fan and regularly watch The Big Bang Theory.”
“But in saying that the jolly thing is probably all I’ve got going for me unless I lose weight which isn’t bloody likely,” quipped the comfortably chubby DJ. “One exec recommended doing cocaine and getting a tape worm to help shed some pounds and get, I think he called it, the gaunt look, but it sounds a bit dangerous.”
Mark says that he received advice from execs that “as a fat, non-traditionally attractive bloke” he’d never make it as a DJ and would have to cultivate something to make him stand out from the “bleak, grey, monochrome conveyor belt of straight jawed DJ mannequins”.
“Fat DJs don’t sell well unless they’ve got some kind of hook like being funny or black,” advised DJ management guru Malcolm Winter. “It’s just the nature of the beast. If Mark wants to succeed in this game then he’s going to have to be the jolly clown, play novelty records and generally be a good time Charlie so that people will like him.”
“Like Brandon Block except relevant,” he added.
“I don’t know why but people tend to like the skinny, good looking, normatively bodied music stars with unrealistic standards of beauty that us marketers incessantly push on them,” he concluded. “So unless people suddenly start finding healthily chubby blokes attractive then he’s got to do the whole ‘being funny’ thing.”
