A Florida based EDM DJ has been remanded in custody today over the accidental shooting of an audience member at Miami’s Gunpoint nightclub.
The DJ, reportedly playing a generic set of electro-house noise while exposing his chest and slurping a Big Gulp cup filled with champagne and cough medicine, wanted to spice up the set through the use of an impromptu gun salute.
“The set was amazing, it was roughly identical to the one Hardwell, Steve Aoki, Martin Garrix and Avicii all played at Ultra last year,” described an audience member who avoided being shot by wearing a bulletproof vest at all times “just in case” and “because [he’s] black”.
“Despite the set being a masterclass in EDM mediocrity, Axel felt he needed something a little bit special to really set it off, and not having any cake or pyrotechnics to hand he chose the next best thing, his firearm.”
Paramedics’ reports indicate that Axel brandished his fire arm in the air and began firing into the ceiling causing lumps of chalk and tile to fall onto the mixer but “luckily the mix wasn’t affected, playing as it was from an iPod connected under the desk”.
“After firing off a few rounds he began loading the gun with slurps of champagne and spraying it at frat boys who naturally lapped it up,” claimed the witness. “Things began to take a turn for the worse when someone got the idea of loading the barrel with some potent European molly tablets.”
Police claim that an audience member volunteered to have the pill shot into his mouth using the high powered handgun, not thinking for a second that it was anything more than a fun party trick.
“He loaded the pill into the barrel, cocked the hammer and took aim at the already massively inebriated clubber’s mouth, which was actually quite a big target because he was one of those loud mouth show off gimps who leap at any display of daring and talked himself up,” he continued. “It ripped right through the soft pallete and became lodged in the back of his head. There was blood everywhere.”
The audience member, whose identity is being suppressed by police until the family are notified what a dead idiot he is, was pronounced dead later than night.
“It’s such a tragic loss of life,” claimed attending doctor Brian Faye. “Two lives ruined by EDM and ecstasy.”
Arresting officers booked Axel for reckless endangerment, illegal use of a fire arm and for crimes against music, he is expected to be sentenced next week.
“The victim is probably one the estimated fifteen Americans that ecstasy kills ever hour, the country really needs to address safe ecstasy use,” claimed a police spokesperson. “If only he had been carrying a gun filled with something stupid with which to defend himself he might be still alive.”
