In a move that is sure to delight unemployed house music fans, US-Puerto Rican house “gangster”, DJ Sneak, has been added to the line up of daytime antique trading behemoth, Antiques Roadshow.
Calling the signing of the famously outspoken DJ “inspired”, perma-tanned host, David Dickenson, curled a theatrical eyebrow and claimed he’s excited to finally work with someone his own age on the show.
“Our program is favoured by people who are old and have been irrelevant for years pining on about things that don’t really matter, so naturally DJ Sneak is a perfect fit for that,” explained Mr. Dickenson wearing a pinstriped suit once owned and wanked in by rap gangster Snoop Doggy Dogg.
“Snoop is actually a close personal friend of mine and we had him on the show, being as he is an antique in the rap community, but unfortunately his constant smoking of marijuana on set really irritated the guests’ emphysema.”
The move, which will see DJ Sneak play decks, tut and offer scathing but unfounded criticism on the featured antiques – like a kind of giant, round-faced toddler with Simon Cowell’s snidey tongue, reportedly stemmed from a mix-up which involved DJ Sneak mistakenly thinking he was to perform a set on the show.
“He thought he was booked to play an old school set on the show,” explained owl-faced walking wax-figure, Dickenson, “but was actually being brought in for evaluation by his 96-year-old grandmother, a keen music fan who prefers more current techno compared and who had grown sick of listening to Sneak repeating the phrase ‘house gangster’ and running up her phone bill with his constant twittering.”
“I had hoped to get a few bob for him, he’s a famous DJ after all,” claimed Missus Sneak. “But unfortunately they said he wasn’t worth much more than a few e’s and a half chicken sandwich.”
“Which I gave him obligingly,” she added.
Dickenson defended the evaluation claiming that “DJs, like antiques, come in and out of vogue many times throughout their careers” and that “just because Sneak’s irrelevant and relying on being outspoken to keep his name out there” doesn’t mean he’s not going to be a success on the show.
“While he may not have much value left in his old industry,” concluded Dickenson, “when it comes to idiosyncratic antiques, he’s a collectors item.”
