A dreadlocked, Taijitu-tattooed, Aladdin pant-wearing vegan, who had just returned from her fourth gap year, made a series of complaints to the staff at her local nightclub last weekend, after being offended by the lack of naturally produced organic sound on the DJ’s set list.
Skylar Dharma Aurora (real name Kerry Jones), was offended by the resident DJ’s selection of music, which she described as “digitally modified, overly sampled and battery produced trash.”
“It is 2015 and organic listeners like me shouldn’t have to walk into a club and listen to pre-recorded music,” moaned Skylar. “What’s worse, they had Catz and Dogz and an actual Dead mouse on the set list too, it’s fucking disgusting!”
Doormen at the nightclub recalled Skylar approaching them and complaining that she had not even been asked whether she had any listening requirements upon entry to the club.
“She got her crusty old knickers in a complete twist because nobody had came over to her to check that ‘everything was okay with her listening experience’ or some bullshit like that,” explained the doorman. “Then, when I told her she couldn’t vape one of those marijuana e-cigarettes, she gave me an earful about the medicinal benefits of cannabis oil.”
After eventually being told to leave the club, Skylar was later found sitting on a nearby roadside in the rain, eating a bucket of fried chicken while listening to a homeless man play bongo drums.
A number of elderly passersby later reported an “intimidating crust pot that looked a bit like Paul Oakenfold or a Preditor” who was shouting “some nonsense” about the “pure organic sound of the bongo” to the local police station.
